For Creative Writing, we had to write a short story. Here it is.
That was the weekend that Aunt Maella came to visit me. As if college didn’t have enough stress. I will say this much—she didn’t just "pop on over." No, she called the week before to tell me (warn, more like) that she was going to come see me. As soon as I said "Hello" into the telephone, I regretted it.
"Hey there, Joanne! How’s mah favorite niece?"
I knew she was hiding something behind her smooth Mississippi accents. For one thing, I’m her only niece.
"I’m fine, Aunt Maella, How are you?"
"Oh, Ah’m tolerable, tolerable. Listen, Joanne, Ah’m goin’ to be in that area neyext weekend, and Ah thought Ah’d come bah and see you. How’s thayt?"
I swallowed my shock, searched rapidly and futilely for an excuse, and found myself saying "That will be fine. I don’t have anything going on that weekend."
"Thayt’s wonderful! Ah cayn’t wait to see you, and meet your friends—" here it came "—especially the boys! Well, Ah have to go now. Ah’ll be theah about 4 o’clock Friday afternoon. Oh, and Ah just have plenty to tell you abouyt things back here. Ah cayn’t wait to talk to you. Bah now!" The conversation had ended.
Great. This was exactly what I needed. For those of you who haven’t made the acquaintance of my aunt, I suppose I should acquaint you. Aunt Maella is a dear sweet lady, but she has this one problem. She is an incurable meddler. Not in a bad way, really, she was just "trying to help," as she put it. Lately she’d been "helping" me to find a man. Actually, she tried to help every single woman to find a man, but in my case it was special. She felt it was her duty to my mother. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard "If your poor momma were alive," "Ah feel it’s mah duty to your poor momma," and "My deah sister would want me to." I could give myself the lecture if I wanted to. But, despite it all, I do love my aunt. I just try to ignore her faults. That weekend I had trouble.
Friday evening:
"Are these your friends? How nahce."
"Yes, ma’am. This is Amy, Cynthia, Karen, Eric, and Jon. Guys, this is my Aunt Maella."
"It’s so nahce to meet ya’ll."
Later that evening:
"Thayt Eric boy is cute."
"He’s dating Amy, Aunt Maella."
"What a shame. You’ah so much prettiah." (I nearly choked here.) "No mattah. What about thayt Jon. He’s nahce looking, and a real gentleman. Why don’t you two date?"
"We don’t like each other that way."
"Oh, come on, Joanne, Ah’m sure you two would be real cute togetheah. He’s not datin’ anyone is he?"
"No, ma’am. We just aren’t interested in each other like that." I made a mental note to tell Jon to get a girlfriend—any girlfriend.
"Well, isn’t theyah anyone you know? Ah guess Ah’ll just have to keep mah eyes open for a nice lookin’ young mayn for you."
I said a quick prayer for sudden, temporary blindness for Aunt Maella.
Saturday morning:
"Jon, deah, how long have you and Joanne been friends?"
"About a year and a half."
"Reahlly? What do you think of her?"
"She’s a real nice girl."
"A nahce girl? Is thayt all?"
Jon hesitated a little. "She’s a good friend, why?"
"Oh. I was just wonderin’. I think you two are too cute to be just friends! Your kids would be adorable."
I watched in complete humiliation as my poor friend flushed red under my Aunt Maella’s "knowing" glance. After a moment of complete loss, Jon replied with: "Um, no. We aren’t going to be dating anytime soon. We’re just friends. We don’t like each other that way. No."
Maella just smiled. Sometimes I wish I could direct thoughts rather than have her formulate her own. Her thoughts were dangerous. But, life isn’t quite so blessed.
Breakfast ended without further mishap, that is not counting several instances of "Thayt boy over theyah is cute" and "He looks like a nahce young mayn" that seemed to come at the most awkward times. "I can make it through this," I thought. "Only four more meals and countless hours until she leaves." It isn’t really that I don’t appreciate my aunt’s help, I know she does it because she loves me. It’s just that I’m afraid of what will come of it. My fears did come true, but not in quite how I expected.
Saturday afternoon:
"Well now! He’s a nahce looking boy!"
I turned once again to see who she was planning my marriage to now. Uh oh. It was just the one guy I didn’t want her to meet. I was actually interested in this guy, and while Aunt Maella’s "help" with Jon was just annoying and embarrassing, in this case her "help" might effectively take care of any future we might possibly have. My aunt’s voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Well, what do you think?"
"Yes, he’s very nice looking," I heard myself say.
"Maybe you should meet him."
"Aunt Maella, a girl doesn’t just go up and introduce herself to a guy!"
"Why not. It’s fahn to be a little flirtatious every once in a whahl. Besides, meyn are so dense, they need a little encouragement to realahze what they could have."
At that moment, I wasn’t sure I wanted this particular man to have Maella’s particular kind of encouragement.
"This goes way beyond flirtation or even encouragement. He barely even knows who I am. I am not going to go up and introduce myself. I really don’t think it will accomplish the purpose."
"Ah suppose you are entitled to your opinion, but it’s wrong. If your momma were heah she’d tell you thayt, too. If you want a mayn, you have to let him know! You cayn’t just sit around waitin’; they nevah come."
I sighed and let my mind drift as she repeated her lecture on "The Way to Catch a Mayn."
"Joanne! Joanne! Joanne, have you heard a word Ah’ve said? Ah asked you what his name is."
I jolted myself back to Aunt Maella.
"Trevor. His name is Trevor."
"Trevah? Ah knew a Trevah once. He wasn’t a thing lahk this boy. Thayt’s probably a good thing! Maybe Ah should have a talk with this boy for you."
"I don’t really think that’s a good idea. He probably wouldn’t appreciate it."
"Nonsense. Besides, it isn’t about him, it’s abouyt you. Men don’t reahly appreciate anythin’, so it doesn’t mattah. But if you don’t want me to, thayt’s your business."
The subject was dropped from conversation, but I knew it hadn’t been dropped from Maella’s mind. Suddenly I didn’t mind her efforts to get Jon and me to date. The annoyance of it paled in comparison to the possible disaster of this new endeavor. I was sincerely worried about what she was going to do.
Saturday Evening:
"Joanne, why don’t we go thayt big bookstore down the road. Theyah’s a new Jessica Pahle mystery out thayt Ah’ve been wanting to get. We could take your girlfriends. I don’t guess we could take thayt cute Jon, could we?"
"Um, no, Aunt Maella, we can’t take Jon. I’m sure my girlfriends would love to go, though."
So we went. If I had known Maella’s plans, I would definitely not have agreed to go.
"Joanne, look! It’s thayt cute Trevah boy. And he’s readin’ a book. Well, theyah you go. You’re always sayin’ thayt you cayn’t find a boy thayt reads, theyah’s one raht theyah."
For a moment I wondered if there was something about Maella I didn’t want to know, like maybe she was clairvoyant. I had the strong impression that she had expected him to be at the bookstore. Maybe I was just paranoid. I watched Maella wander off to find her book, and then Amy and I found our way to the section labeled "Classic Literature." Why I left my aunt to herself I’ll never know. She appeared before me twenty minutes later with a triumphant "Joanne, you’ll nevah guess who Ah just introduced mahself to—Trevah Laymbert!"
I never doubted her truth for a moment. It was just like her to do it.
"He’s a real nahce boy."
"I know. Now he’ll be the real nice boy who doesn’t look at me."
"Oh no, Ah gave him your telephone numbah."
"Aunt Maella!" I stopped, realizing how loudly that had come out. I decided a whisper was more advisable. "Aunt Maella, I can’t believe you did that. Maybe he won’t realize who I am and forget all about you."
Maybe the sun would explode. We left quickly, despite Maella’s desire to introduce me to the "nahce Trevah boy." There are times when I wonder how Maella’s friends stand her meddling. Then I remember that all of her friends are either married or just like her. Jon was looking more and more like a viable alternative to Maella’s "help."
Saturday Night:
"You will not believe what my aunt did to me tonight!" I shouted as I opened the door to our dorm room. "She completely humiliated me!"
"That’s different from usual?" Kathleen asked. "Did she propose marriage to Jon for you? Oh wait, that was this morning. What happened tonight?"
I dropped my purse, assumed the "let me tell you" stance, and launched into the story. When I concluded with "And then, she gave him my phone number," my roommates exploded.
"That’s unreal! I can’t believe she would do that," was Lisa’s response.
"I can!" Allison broke in. "I’ve talked to her on the phone. I’m surprised she waited so long!"
"I think it’s hilarious!"
"You’re so sympathetic, Kathleen. ‘I think it’s hilarious.’ You try it sometime!"
"You should tell Jon," Allison suggested. "He’d really enjoy that story."
I decided that was a good idea. I needed some brotherly advice anyway, and since Jon was the closest thing I had to a brother, I gave him a call.
"Jon, you will not believe what my aunt did."
"Worse than this morning?"
"Much worse. Incredibly worse. There is no comparison. She walked up to Trevor Lambert, introduced herself, said heaven knows what, and ended by giving him my number!"
"That’s unbelievable. It’s also very funny, and it gets me off the hook."
"That’s all you can think about? What about me? I’m not going to be able to even be in the same room with him anymore!"
Just then our other phone line beeped.
"Oh. I have a call on the other line. Hold on."
"Maybe it’s Trevor."
"Shut up, Jon."
I answered the other line to fulfilled prophecy.
"Hello. This is Trevor Lambert, I don’t know if you know me, but I’m in your Classics class."
I took a deep breath. "Yes, I know who you are. I’m really sorry about my aunt. I hope she didn’t bother you in any way."
"Actually, that’s why I’m calling."
Oh great.
"I’ve been thinking about asking you to church, but I thought you might be dating that blond guy—Jon, I think?—so I haven’t."
"No, Jon and I aren’t dating." I stared at Kathleen in shock as she laughed uncontrollably.
"Well, would you be interested in going to church with me in the morning?"
"It would be my pleasure," I said in bewilderment.
"Great! I’ll pick you up at 8:05."
"I’ll be there."
I hung up the phone and stared at my roommates. After several moments, they broke out into a cheer.
"Yay! Trevor asked you to church!"
I have to say, I never loved my aunt more than at that moment. All of my prior humiliation from her help suddenly seemed insignificant. Then I remembered that Jon was still on the other line.
"Jon, I hate you. You were right, it was Trevor."
"And?"
"I have a boy-date for church."
"Alright! Now people won’t think we’re dating!"
Suddenly the whole situation struck me as funny, and I laughed with him for several minutes. I promised to call him after church and tell him the important stuff: if he held the hymnal, whether or not he passed the offering plate over me, if he carried my Bible and opened the doors.
There isn’t too much more to say. I had a great time with Trevor--he did all the important stuff. When Maella left, I invited her to visit whenever she wanted. And, of course, she went home with a great big matchmaking story to tell the whole town. That was quite the weekend. I will certainly never forget it.