feeling derailed
Do you ever feel that you aren't where you thought you would be in life? That somehow the goals you had were set aside and forgotten? I feel like that today...well, the last few days...and it troubles me. And it isn't particularly that I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish by now, or a particular place where I wished to be, but there were things I loved--do love--that I thought I would be doing. Or at least have done, or working towards doing.
I've had this quagmire of thought before. This time it has struck with more force because of the band we met last week, and the blues singer they opened for at the fabulous House of Blues last Thursday. [pause for brief and shameless plug: Reeve Carney and the Revolving Band and Jonny Lang are both worth a good, long listen, guys. They are good.] Here's the thing: These guys are all under the age of 26. Even the exceptional Mr. Lang. All of them are doing what they love, and doing it very well. I, on the other hand, have done very little of what I love.
It's not that I don't know what's holding me back. I'm very aware that I'm so afraid. I'm terribly afraid of having doors slammed in my face, of losing just when I think I've almost accomplished a dream. I didn't used to be this afraid. Maybe part of it is cynicism, but then, I'm not sure when I became any kind of a cynic.
So I need to finish my story. I need to try and see if I can get it published. I need to take a step. You can't touch the stars of your dreams if you keep standing flat-footed, right?
And I really miss my car. A Dodge Caravan just doesn't go so well with my Yellowcard.
Comments
Fear not, my friend. You have a friend here in Philly thinking about you and praying for you. Can't do much else, but hopefully that helps.
Posted by: Jesse Gardner | March 21, 2007 10:59 PM
I know this feeling all too well. Funny, but I'm on the verge of taking a leap or two myself--doing those things that I've been encouraged by people to do and yet have still been too afraid to try.
Part of my problem is clearing out the voices in my head and figuring out exactly what it is that I want to do, not what everyone else thinks that I want to do. It's amazing what a little clarity can do.
Posted by: Jillian | March 22, 2007 12:03 PM
ren, i hear you loud and clear. i'm feeling this too right now. only this time around i'm starting to get a bit braver than i usually am with the slump and figured out that at this point it's probably thought patterns, all the psychological stuff we don't usually like dealing with. where we are is a process and getting elsewhere is also a process... don't know about you but i'm ready to stop shooting the legs out from under myself. i think this is something we creative types (esp. writers) deal with so constantly we don't even realize how much a part of us it is!
a friend loaned me a book by richard o'connor called "undoing depression" that i just now started... even if you don't classify yourself as a depressive, you sound like you might at least understand when you're tired of not being able to move on because of self-defeating ideas (like me)... questioning who i am and what i "really" want out of life... and as creative people, this is the meat of our minds. when does it end?! argh!
well, i win for longest comment... just wanted to let you know i feel ya on this one. and, btw... the blues do soothe the soul. jonny lang is quite the new blues master, isn't he... love that guy! try the black keys sometime.
Posted by: angela | March 24, 2007 07:17 PM