the year of the natural disaster movie
So this afternoon I was cleaning my room (that sounds so high school, ha ha!), and Dante's Peak was playing on t.v. I had never watched it before. I purposefully avoided the Year of the Natural Disaster Movie. Maybe it was more like two years. You remember: the succession of movies about meteorites destroying the earth, or tornadoes beyond anything we've every seen, or volocanoes destroying the earth. You remember. But today I watched it. It was on. I was cleaning. It sucked me in to find out what happens. And hey, it has Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton. But I did learn a few things from my viewing. Some of them I had learned from other action movies in the past and were just reinforced by watching Dante's Peak. Others, though, were new information for me. I thought it advisable for anyone who might find themselves in danger of imminent death-by-volcanoe.
1. Volcanoes are dangerous.
2. Volcanoe experts are more perceptive if a loved one died in a volcanoe emergency.
3. Hot springs near a dormant volcanoe can kill you.
4. When a volcanoe is about to erupt, it will give plants and animals mysterious illnesses.
5. The mayor of a small, struggling town never listens to dire warnings of disaster,
6. Dire warnings of disaster always threaten small, struggling towns.
7. Volcanologists are dashing and single-mother Mayors will fall for them.
8. When a volcanoe is about to erupt, it will make the tap water brown.
9. When a volcanoe is about to erupt, you should go inspect the town water supply and see if it is also brown. Also, if it smells like sulphur, run!
10. You should always drive a big truck; that way, when you are evacuating, you can drive through everyone else.
11. Single mothers always have spunky children.
12. Judicious application of the brake and gas is all you need to avoid a crashing helicopter.
13. Don't fly a helicopter through falling ash.
14. A disaster is a good time to reconcile with your estranged ex-mother-in-law.
15. Spunky children already know how to drive a car, just not what all the buttons do.
16. When you see a lava flow coming, run to water.
17. Volcanic activity turns lakes into acid, so always have an extra motor. And drive fast.
18. Do not jump out of the boat and try to make it to land. Especially when you've watched the metal boat melting underneath you. You will die.
19. Dying moments are cathartic--be sure to confess your foolishness and apologize if you are the one dying. If you are not the one dying, be sure to protest said confession and confess your own foolishness.
20. When you need it, you always find a large, heavy duty truck to use for escaping a volcanic eruption.
21. Dashing volanologists always know how to hot-wire a vehicle.
22. You can drive across a lava flow as long as you speed up enough, and you are driving aforesaid heavy duty truck.
23. A lava flow will cause your tires to catch on fire, but when you drive across the ash on the other side, they will extinguish.
24. You can drive on the crumpled rims of aforesaid melted tires for a long time. As long as you need to, really.
25. Disaster scientists are always conveniently working on a new, extra-special gadget that will turn out to be a life-saver.
26. When escaping a pyroclastic cloud, there will always be a convenient mineshaft into which you can drive.
27. Promises of a quiet house in Florida filled with good food and a launching point for fishing trips will quiet all fears of small children and single mothers.
28. If you leave aforementioned extra-special gadget in the heavy duty truck when you escape the cave in at the entrance of the mineshaft, you will have to go back for it risking death by rock-crushing.
29. If the extra-special gadget fails to turn on, highly educated volcanologists solve that problem by kicking it.
30. After being rescued from a cave in, the only emergency care you will need is a blanket.
There you go: all you need to survive an imminent volcanic eruption. I hope you never need it, but just in case....